As the father of a 4 and a 2 year old, lack of sharing is the number one source of friction in our house. My 4 year old son, Gavin, has autism, which adds another element of frustration to the the equation. Garrett, the terrible 2, is really taking on his own little freethinking personality right now. It's an important time in both of their lives developmentally. Sharing is part of that developmental process.
Right now, I don't think either of these boys have the reasoning ability to share a toy for "just a little while." They know that sharing is the right thing to do, only because they have been told to share 10 times a day. But giving up a particular toy is like giving away part of themselves. They don't really understand the concept of time, so when that toy is not in their hands, it might as well be gone forever.
"Don't take!" is the refrain heard again and again around here. The "No Take" rule is most often broken by Gavin, since he is bigger and easily grabs whatever Garrett is playing with. A tug-of-war begins, and an adult must step in. One of us must referee the match, deciding who had what, and how to redirect the aggressor to another activity. This happens daily, and every time it happens I wish the kids could communicate better and work things out on their own. At this stage in their lives, I know that's not going to happen. These kids can really get into a cycle of Take, Tattle, and Tantrum.
Does it sound hopeless yet? Well, since the title of this article is How to Get Kids to Share, I guess I will share with you some of my own solutions to a less combative, more harmonious household. For starters, I feel that it is very important for each child to get as much love and connection from the parent as he needs. When they feel connected, they feel more confident and happy, and are willing to play together civilly.
Trying to constantly get these kids to take turns is enough to drive everybody crazy. I don't do time limits anymore. Setting a short term time limit on how long each kid gets to play with a particular toy is a recipe for disaster. Our most coveted item right now is the Tonka Fire Truck. With set time limits, neither kid gets what he wants. If Gavin has it first, when Garrett finally gets his chance to play with the fire truck he takes it into another room to protect his turn from his brother. It becomes more important to him to keep the truck in his possesion than to actually use it for enjoyment.
I've stopped trying to make sure each kid gets equal time with toys in the short term, and begun to focus more on the big picture. Garrett gets the fire truck today, and Gavin gets the ambulance. Gavin will be mad about it and I'll have to hold him to calm him down. Tomorrow they can switch. If tomorrow comes and Garrett still wants that fire truck, I'll have to hold him through his tantrum. It'll take a few minutes, but I know it will make him feel good to unload all of that emotion, and hopefully he'll feel better about letting Gavin take his turn. If it doesn't solve the conflict, walking away with him to another room and reading a couple favorite books (after the tears subside) has been working too. He returns to play by Gavin much calmer and less self absorbed. This way, both kids get a turn with the toy, and even better - a turn at quality time with dad!
When we're too busy to give them 100% of ourselves, they share less, and are very possessive. I don't think you have to divide your attention exactly 50/50 for each kid, just give them as much as they need. For example, I know that Gavin does require more attention than Garrett. If Garrett is doing something positive that brings him my attention (i.e. building a tower or asking to spell a word) Gavin will mimic him to get that same attention. That tells me Gavin is needing to feel more connection, more of the love. Whether that is autism or just his unique personality, I don't know. What I do know is that things run a lot more smoothly around here if these kids feel secure. When things aren't going their way, they need a place to vent their frustrations.
When one of these kids is thirsty or needs a snack, it's a great opportunity to keep them caring about each other's needs, too. If Gavin needs a drink, we'll make 2 drinks and have him carry one to Garrett, and vice versa. This way, their interactions aren't always just about themselves, and getting what the other kid has. i think it builds empathy, which is hard for both 2 year olds and kids with autism.
The key element here is that the kids need to feel connected no matter what. Each child needs to feel that everything will be okay, and there's a parent there to shelter them through the storm. When they can't have what they want right away, I've found its best to stay with them while they wait for it, and reassure them in simple terms that its not the end of the world. In the event that one of these boys decides to willingly share a toy with the other, the unselfish one is rewarded greatly with hugs and praise. Hopefully these kids will grow to be confident enough in themselves not to need intervention every time a problem arises.
It's funny how children learn words sometimes. It's hard to teach some words to Gavin that aren't tangible objects. Especially abstract words like "summertime".
His first impression of that word came as we were leaving the local Jungle Rapids amusement park. The water park section was closed, and he saw the huge slides with colorful flags at the top and said "Flags!" I said "Yep. When it is summertime, we can climb up those stairs and see the flags, then go down the big slide!" He wanted the flags right now, and started to get very agitated. (He's obsessed with flags, especially the American flag) I just kept telling him that we have to wait for summertime. He doesn't like to have to wait for a future event. Everything must happen in the present for him. Finally I got him wrestled into his car seat, and we were on our way.
The next day, the first words out of his mouth were "Okay, now go summertime!" That was just priceless. I love it when he uses new words, and so does he. Meaningful sentences like that are pure manna. There was a time when we didn't know if he would ever talk to us. Some children with autism can't speak at all. It is such a blessing to be able to communicate with Gavin!
So now, in Gavin's head, summertime means big waterslides with flags at the top. Words need to be attached to something he can see, so I've been telling him summertime means the grass is green, the trees have leaves, and we wear shorts. Yo Gabba Gabba (his favorite show on Nick Jr.) did an episode that backed up my definition of summer, so I think it might be sinking in. When Foofa and Brobee sing about it, the message really hits home. Now he says randomly "Summertime. Its hot!"
When I set up the "slip and slide" for these kids in our backyard, however, Gavin's eyes got really big and he said "Little Summertime!" For him, that word will probably always be attached to waterparks, which is fine with me. As you can see in the picture, every good waterslide needs flags at the head of it. Those were Gavin's idea.
Our big, nice climbing tree came down last night in the wind. The boys haven't seen it yet, they're at Grammy and Papa Geno's with Sara. I'm not sure if I should cut it up and take it away before they get back, or should I let it lay there on it's side for the boys to see. It's a Wax Myrtle, which is a very common tree here that grows like a weed. These trees can withstand almost any storm, which is why I was so surprised to see this one laying prone when I let Laya (the cat) out this morning. This one's been through a bunch of hurricanes, but I think my pruning is what did it in. It was already listing heavily to the port side, but then I made it too top heavy in an effort to make the lower branches more climbable for the boys.
Climbing trees is so much fun when you're a kid. I remember seeing every tree as a new conquest when I was young. I wanted to be like Tarzan or Mowgli in Jungle Book. Any tree could be a secret hideout. If you could just get up inside the canopy, you could escape the real world for just a little while and have your own piece of the planet. Gavin loved to climb this tree. Actually, he just liked to sit in it, about 3 feet off the ground, and look around the backyard like the king of the world.
Gavin and Garrett mostly used this tree as a race track or train track, whichever vehicle they were currently employing. The long, low swooping branches made for great take off runways for airplanes, too. These boys could play for an hour straight at the tree, and Sara could see them from the kitchen or back door and hear their happy sounds.
Now I'm forced to make a decision. This tree was a big part of these kids' lives. It's almost like a family pet who has passed away. I think I must cut it up and take it away today. If the boys come home and the tree is laying here like a beached whale, it would be very hard to explain. If they come home and the tree is just gone, it would be traumatic. On the other hand, if they witness their own father lopping it limb by limb with a chainsaw, the trauma might be irreparable.
I know what I can do, I'll make a game of it. I'll explain that the tree is going to the letter factory. I'll label each limb with a letter on a sticky note, and let the boys decide which one gets cut before I do it. They love to show off their alphabet skills. With luck this power of knowledge game will distract them from what is really happening, and they'll feel positive about this old tree's disappearance. Making a game of almost anything negative can be a real great tool when you're faced with a difficult situation! Spelling and numbers rule these boys' world right now. I'll be numbering or labeling each branch on this tree, then the boys will be so excited about which branch comes down next, they won't even know their beloved tree is being decimated. It will be another happy learning activity! Then we'll go find a suitable replacement.
Disney World was a magical place for this family to visit. It really was extraordinary. These boys were just as high as a kite for the whole week. The plane rides were fantastic! Waiting at the terminal for the gate to open was a bit tumultuous, as is anything to do with waiting for a child with autism and an unruly two year old. It was about 5:45 a.m. at the airport in Raleigh, and these boys were running roughshod over the entire Terminal A. We just pretty much let them go at a full tilt, frenzied pace to release all that excited energy before we got on the plane, and I think it helped. Dirty looks were abundant at our gate. Our fellow travelers didn't realize that the boys' energy would have to be dealt with either in the airport or on the plane, so it was win/win for everybody. We were so worried about what would happen once we were sitting on the plane, and Gavin was just great! He just sat there soaking it all in, wide eyed and intrigued by everything. It was so easy. Garrett was a typical squirmy and restless 2 year old, but he actually did pretty well. Thank God the flight was only about an hour and 20 minutes.
These boys had a blast at the parks. It was so much fun. We did all the rides. Well, Gavin and I did all the rides. Sara has a rather large bun in the oven, and Garrett is too short for a lot of the stuff. The teacups were an immediate favorite for these guys. We must've rode in those teacups 6 or 7 times. I know we did every color of teacup at least once, at Gavin's persistent request. Space Mountain was the first "scary" ride we went on, and Gavin laughed the whole time! It was unbelievable! I had forgotten just how scary it really is, but he loved it. At the end of the ride, however, Gavin had a full fledged meltdown. When you come back out into the light and you have to wait a few seconds before the safety bar releases to let you off, he freaked out big time. He felt trapped in the rocket, I'm sure. When that happens, he's over the edge and off the deep end and there's no explaining to him that we just have to wait a minute. So we left Space Mountain with a bad taste in our mouth, and he didn't really want to do any more rides like that. I felt like a bad dad. The "cast members" there are so great. A girl selling hats and souvenirs saw Gavin crying in Sara's arms and came right over to cheer him up. She just talked to him for a few minutes about all the fun things to do there and gave him some Mickey Mouse stickers. It was really sweet.
Overall, the 2 things that made this trip really easy and less stressful were the stroller and the Guest Assistance pass. Having a stroller was priceless. Well, actually it wasn't priceless it would've been $30 a day, but we brought our own. It's a big blue tandem stroller that we checked on the plane, it counts as one suitcase, and you can take it right to the gate! It was harder than heck to steer through a very crowded Magic Kingdom, but absolutely essential if you plan on staying all day there. The guest assistance pass let us get on all the rides without standing in line for more than 5 minutes, ever. It was really great. We brought a note from Gavin's doctor explaining his difficulties, and we got a little red pass for the whole week. You can use it on any ride. If there was a Fast Pass entrance, it counted as a fast pass. If not, you just go in through the exit door and hop on the next Teacup, Flying Carpet, Dinosaur, Dumbo, Race car, Pirate Ship, etcetera.
Now, at breakfast, Gavin and I watch YouTube videos of the rides we did. He remembers the precise order in which we did each ride, and we watch the videos in that order every morning! We've got some home videos too, but we've been too busy since we got back to even think about looking at them. I'll post something on YouTube if it's worthy.
As the parent of a newborn baby, its natural to feel apprehensive about all the chemicals contained in laundry detergents and stain removers these days. You've got good reason to be worried. Those chemicals can cause bad rashes and skin irritations on your little one's sensitive skin. It seems like every other week there's another warning about the harmful chemicals in baby items. The focus here is on laundry, something I'm terribly familiar with as the mother of two boys, aged 4 and 2. My oldest, Gavin, was diagnosed with Autism at 13 months old. It was a life changing wake up call to my family that we needed to pay better attention to what chemicals surround our children everyday. Some kids' bodies are better than others at flushing out the toxins and chemicals that are presented every day through plastics, detergents, preservatives, artificial coloring, fragrances, etc. We can reduce and eliminate some of these perils cheaply and easily just by doing a little homework.
One thing that a lot of moms don't consider is that nifty little stain remover they just dab on the onesie before a wash. It sure is handy, isn't it? Well, think about it for a minute. If you're taking every precaution with your child's health, e.g. using BPA-free bottles, natural detergent and organic food, why would you put something on your baby clothes that is nothing more than an ultra concentrated form of the same toxins you are trying to avoid? Petroleum-based detergents used in pre-wash stain removers can be acutely harmful to babies. Babies can be afflicted with an allergic reaction of the skin, lungs, sinuses, and eyes. Solvents in some pre-wash stain removers cause brain damage at high doses, and have been linked to infertility and miscarriages.
So, how can you get those stains out without compromising your baby's health? As the owner of Snugfits™, an online baby clothing boutique, and 2 messy little boys (with one on the way!), I live and breathe baby clothes. These 2 rambunctious rough housers love playing in the back yard, which provides me with plenty of practice taking out the grass and mud stains they acquire daily. I've got some solutions for you, none of which require too much elbow grease.
- Always treat the stain as soon as possible. The longer it sits, the harder it is to get out.
- For a fresh stain, run cold water over it and try to work it out right away. Sometimes this is all you need to do.
- For more stubborn stains, soak it in milk overnight, then wash as usual the next day. This works well on a lot of stains including chocolate, ink, and blood.
- For oil/greasy stains, rub corn flour into it and let it pull out the oil for about 20 minutes. It works great. It has been said that you can hasten the process by putting a paper towel over and under the corn floured stain and ironing it. I've never tried that method because I've always believed that heat makes a stain set into the fabric. I never wash stained clothes in hot water, either.
- Really tough stains might need the old fashioned vinegar/baking soda trick. Just make a thick paste in a small bowl out of vinegar and baking soda and work it into the onesie or baby shirt with an old tooth brush.
- Let the baby clothes sit in the (full) washer for an hour or so before running the cycle. Newer washers have an option to let you do this. If you have an older washer, leave the lid open until it's had a good soak. I think this is a good practice on all laundry loads, not just stained baby clothes.
- When I do break down and use a soap on a stain, I use a natural dish liquid. Just rub some of it onto the stain with an old toothbrush and let it soak in the water.
- Don't ever dry the clothes with the stains until the stain has been eliminated. Once it goes through a hot dryer, it may never come out.
- Another good piece of advice for taking care of baby clothes is to add a half cup of white distilled vinegar to each load during the rinse cycle. The clothes come out fresher because the vinegar breaks down the alkaline and soapy residue, allowing them to be rinsed completely.
One final note on keeping baby clothes non-toxic is to consider washing them separately from your own, especially if you work in an industry where your clothes may be contaminated. Chemists, lab techs, mechanics, and painters are all exposed to chemicals that can harm a sensitive baby. Carpenters working with treated (arsenic) wood should be especially cautious about keeping their clothes apart from baby's. Think about the toxins that might be in your clothes and consider washing them in a separate load.
Take care of those baby clothes! You might be using them again (and again!)
