Our cat, Laya, hasn't yet become completely comfortable with the boys. Four years ago when we brought Gavin home from the hospital, her life changed in every respect. Her peaceful, lazy existence made a giant shift. I remember the look on her face the first time she approached our new baby and gave him a couple sniffs - it was pure disdain. She hid under the bed for awhile, as if the baby would throw off his swaddling blanket and get her. It took awhile, but when Gavin grew and became mobile he did go after her quite a bit.
I remember that we were worried Laya might hate us and run away when we brought a baby into our family. She was definitely perturbed, but we made sure she got plenty of love too. She still grovels for attention when the boys aren't around, meowing and purring as if to say "I'm still the baby, right?" Before we had kids she was the pampered little baby of the house. After all, she owns us, we don't own her. It is our privilege to feed her and clean her royal litter box.
I believe she must have been abused by kids when she was a kitten. We found her at the Petsmart cat adoption center. She had been picked up as a stray by the humane society. When we first saw her, she was in her own little cage, lying on her back, pleading with us to let her out. She was a little diamond in the rough, a very rare orange female! We didn't even notice until we got her home that she's got a kink in her tail that may have been caused by abuse. Were not sure why she has such a dislike for kids, but I can assume its because she's had some bad times with them. Because of this we are extra sure the boys never get rough with her.
Now, I think she realizes that these kids aren't going to injure her, and she can let her guard down a little bit. Every now and then they may "aggressively pet" her, and she simply gives them a flurry of swats with the front paw. They might even get a little nibble on the hand if they don't get the point right away. While we actively keep watch over how careful the boys are not to cause Laya any harm, we've given her the right to self defense by any means. She's basically a 9 pound orange cottonball. Her clawless front paws are about as lethal as a feather duster.
She actually loves it when they're out playing in the back yard. She stalks them from the sidelines, like a lion in the African savanna. When they unwittingly come into range, she attacks swiftly and forcefully, swatting feet and nipping at their heels. The kids love it when she ambushes them like that! She then disappears under the juniper, leaving the boys running in circles, laughing and screaming. It's like a game of cat and mouse, and the mice are two wild eyed toddlers. She acts just like a kitten again. She's happy to have some siblings to romp around with!
All in all, life hasn't been so bad for the cat. I'm sure she didn't think she could, but she's weathering the storm of little boys that has moved in. She's adjusting just fine. Having her in our family has been a blessing. She provides the boys with some exciting back yard chases and lessons in respect for animals. She has been pretty tolerant so far. Hopefully the third boy won't cause her too much more anxiety!
As the father of a 4 and a 2 year old, lack of sharing is the number one source of friction in our house. My 4 year old son, Gavin, has autism, which adds another element of frustration to the the equation. Garrett, the terrible 2, is really taking on his own little freethinking personality right now. It's an important time in both of their lives developmentally. Sharing is part of that developmental process.
Right now, I don't think either of these boys have the reasoning ability to share a toy for "just a little while." They know that sharing is the right thing to do, only because they have been told to share 10 times a day. But giving up a particular toy is like giving away part of themselves. They don't really understand the concept of time, so when that toy is not in their hands, it might as well be gone forever.
"Don't take!" is the refrain heard again and again around here. The "No Take" rule is most often broken by Gavin, since he is bigger and easily grabs whatever Garrett is playing with. A tug-of-war begins, and an adult must step in. One of us must referee the match, deciding who had what, and how to redirect the aggressor to another activity. This happens daily, and every time it happens I wish the kids could communicate better and work things out on their own. At this stage in their lives, I know that's not going to happen. These kids can really get into a cycle of Take, Tattle, and Tantrum.
Does it sound hopeless yet? Well, since the title of this article is How to Get Kids to Share, I guess I will share with you some of my own solutions to a less combative, more harmonious household. For starters, I feel that it is very important for each child to get as much love and connection from the parent as he needs. When they feel connected, they feel more confident and happy, and are willing to play together civilly.
Trying to constantly get these kids to take turns is enough to drive everybody crazy. I don't do time limits anymore. Setting a short term time limit on how long each kid gets to play with a particular toy is a recipe for disaster. Our most coveted item right now is the Tonka Fire Truck. With set time limits, neither kid gets what he wants. If Gavin has it first, when Garrett finally gets his chance to play with the fire truck he takes it into another room to protect his turn from his brother. It becomes more important to him to keep the truck in his possesion than to actually use it for enjoyment.
I've stopped trying to make sure each kid gets equal time with toys in the short term, and begun to focus more on the big picture. Garrett gets the fire truck today, and Gavin gets the ambulance. Gavin will be mad about it and I'll have to hold him to calm him down. Tomorrow they can switch. If tomorrow comes and Garrett still wants that fire truck, I'll have to hold him through his tantrum. It'll take a few minutes, but I know it will make him feel good to unload all of that emotion, and hopefully he'll feel better about letting Gavin take his turn. If it doesn't solve the conflict, walking away with him to another room and reading a couple favorite books (after the tears subside) has been working too. He returns to play by Gavin much calmer and less self absorbed. This way, both kids get a turn with the toy, and even better - a turn at quality time with dad!
When we're too busy to give them 100% of ourselves, they share less, and are very possessive. I don't think you have to divide your attention exactly 50/50 for each kid, just give them as much as they need. For example, I know that Gavin does require more attention than Garrett. If Garrett is doing something positive that brings him my attention (i.e. building a tower or asking to spell a word) Gavin will mimic him to get that same attention. That tells me Gavin is needing to feel more connection, more of the love. Whether that is autism or just his unique personality, I don't know. What I do know is that things run a lot more smoothly around here if these kids feel secure. When things aren't going their way, they need a place to vent their frustrations.
When one of these kids is thirsty or needs a snack, it's a great opportunity to keep them caring about each other's needs, too. If Gavin needs a drink, we'll make 2 drinks and have him carry one to Garrett, and vice versa. This way, their interactions aren't always just about themselves, and getting what the other kid has. i think it builds empathy, which is hard for both 2 year olds and kids with autism.
The key element here is that the kids need to feel connected no matter what. Each child needs to feel that everything will be okay, and there's a parent there to shelter them through the storm. When they can't have what they want right away, I've found its best to stay with them while they wait for it, and reassure them in simple terms that its not the end of the world. In the event that one of these boys decides to willingly share a toy with the other, the unselfish one is rewarded greatly with hugs and praise. Hopefully these kids will grow to be confident enough in themselves not to need intervention every time a problem arises.
