As the father of a 4 and a 2 year old, lack of sharing is the number one source of friction in our house. My 4 year old son, Gavin, has autism, which adds another element of frustration to the the equation. Garrett, the terrible 2, is really taking on his own little freethinking personality right now. It's an important time in both of their lives developmentally. Sharing is part of that developmental process.
Right now, I don't think either of these boys have the reasoning ability to share a toy for "just a little while." They know that sharing is the right thing to do, only because they have been told to share 10 times a day. But giving up a particular toy is like giving away part of themselves. They don't really understand the concept of time, so when that toy is not in their hands, it might as well be gone forever.
"Don't take!" is the refrain heard again and again around here. The "No Take" rule is most often broken by Gavin, since he is bigger and easily grabs whatever Garrett is playing with. A tug-of-war begins, and an adult must step in. One of us must referee the match, deciding who had what, and how to redirect the aggressor to another activity. This happens daily, and every time it happens I wish the kids could communicate better and work things out on their own. At this stage in their lives, I know that's not going to happen. These kids can really get into a cycle of Take, Tattle, and Tantrum.
Does it sound hopeless yet? Well, since the title of this article is How to Get Kids to Share, I guess I will share with you some of my own solutions to a less combative, more harmonious household. For starters, I feel that it is very important for each child to get as much love and connection from the parent as he needs. When they feel connected, they feel more confident and happy, and are willing to play together civilly.
Trying to constantly get these kids to take turns is enough to drive everybody crazy. I don't do time limits anymore. Setting a short term time limit on how long each kid gets to play with a particular toy is a recipe for disaster. Our most coveted item right now is the Tonka Fire Truck. With set time limits, neither kid gets what he wants. If Gavin has it first, when Garrett finally gets his chance to play with the fire truck he takes it into another room to protect his turn from his brother. It becomes more important to him to keep the truck in his possesion than to actually use it for enjoyment.
I've stopped trying to make sure each kid gets equal time with toys in the short term, and begun to focus more on the big picture. Garrett gets the fire truck today, and Gavin gets the ambulance. Gavin will be mad about it and I'll have to hold him to calm him down. Tomorrow they can switch. If tomorrow comes and Garrett still wants that fire truck, I'll have to hold him through his tantrum. It'll take a few minutes, but I know it will make him feel good to unload all of that emotion, and hopefully he'll feel better about letting Gavin take his turn. If it doesn't solve the conflict, walking away with him to another room and reading a couple favorite books (after the tears subside) has been working too. He returns to play by Gavin much calmer and less self absorbed. This way, both kids get a turn with the toy, and even better - a turn at quality time with dad!
When we're too busy to give them 100% of ourselves, they share less, and are very possessive. I don't think you have to divide your attention exactly 50/50 for each kid, just give them as much as they need. For example, I know that Gavin does require more attention than Garrett. If Garrett is doing something positive that brings him my attention (i.e. building a tower or asking to spell a word) Gavin will mimic him to get that same attention. That tells me Gavin is needing to feel more connection, more of the love. Whether that is autism or just his unique personality, I don't know. What I do know is that things run a lot more smoothly around here if these kids feel secure. When things aren't going their way, they need a place to vent their frustrations.
When one of these kids is thirsty or needs a snack, it's a great opportunity to keep them caring about each other's needs, too. If Gavin needs a drink, we'll make 2 drinks and have him carry one to Garrett, and vice versa. This way, their interactions aren't always just about themselves, and getting what the other kid has. i think it builds empathy, which is hard for both 2 year olds and kids with autism.
The key element here is that the kids need to feel connected no matter what. Each child needs to feel that everything will be okay, and there's a parent there to shelter them through the storm. When they can't have what they want right away, I've found its best to stay with them while they wait for it, and reassure them in simple terms that its not the end of the world. In the event that one of these boys decides to willingly share a toy with the other, the unselfish one is rewarded greatly with hugs and praise. Hopefully these kids will grow to be confident enough in themselves not to need intervention every time a problem arises.
We are going to have our third (and final) child in August, and I've been wondering about the concept of having some sort of pre baby party. Not necessarily another baby shower, but just a celebration of these awesome blessings we've had in our kids. And to celebrate the end of a long road of pregnancy for Sara! She's tired of being "with child". I think a third baby shower might be fun! Since Gavin is really only starting to grasp the fact that there is a baby in mama's tummy, having a "New Baby Brother Party" would serve to magnify the significance of mama's big tummy to him.
We never actually had a second baby shower before Garrett was born. I never even thought of it, actually. We were pretty much consumed by dealing with and healing Gavin's autism. Maybe we would have done another baby shower for a girl, but Garrett was quite obviously a boy in Sara's fifth month ultrasound. We knew he would have plenty of hand me downs from his big brother! Naturally, he was showered anyway by his adoring aunts and grandparents with new unique gifts just for him. It just makes me wonder, do people commonly have a baby shower for their second or third baby? I have no idea on the rules of etiquette for this. It could be construed as a little greedy on the parents' part. I don't know. I bet I would have liked to have a second baby shower if we knew we were going to have a girl, the more I think about it. You know, for the dresses and stuff like that. Otherwise, she would have probably been a pretty little tomboy with 2 older brothers and very few dresses. I'd just make her a couple "I am not a boy" onesies and be done with it.
For the parents who take the bold step and plan it, what should the wording for a second baby shower invitation be? "Oops I Did It Again" would be cute, though somewhat apologetic. You wouldn't want to seem sheepish about having another baby. You wouldn't want to look too greedy either, so maybe saying "No presents, only your presence" would be good. If you're having a hard time deciding on a name, maybe it could be a baby naming party! I can think of a bunch of fun games to help conjure up baby name ideas. Of course, some years down the road you'd have to face the fact that "Son, your name was drawn from a hat."
These second showers should probably be just a happy welcoming of new life, not a harvesting of baby gifts. It should be a celebration that brings women (and sometimes even men) together in a show of love and support for the mother and baby. Showering the expectant mother with pre-cooked meals, gift certificates for cleaning, or home made babysitting vouchures would be sweet. The important thing to remember is that the mom needs the love and support of her family and friends.
In our case, however, we've got a great circle of family and friends that keep us showered in help and support. We wouldn't feel right about doing another baby shower. I just can't see it. We've already got the name picked out (to be released at a later date) so a naming party wouldn't do much good. I'll just have to invent a new type of baby shower: the Baby Kegger! I'll have all my buddies from work over to the house, get a keg of brew, smoke some cigars, and play fun baby games like Texas Hold 'Em or Five Card Draw!
Now, how should the invitation read? "Come drink beer for the baby!" or "There's a bun in the oven, let's drink beer!" I guess I'd better get Sara's opinion on this... or not.
I tell ya, there's nothing more fun and satisfying than sitting down at your computer and putting pictures together with music to make something uncommonly cool. It's even more fulfilling when the pictures are of your own kids! I learned how to use my Mac's "iMovie" program when I made Gavin's Surfers Healing video. It was so easy, even a novice like me figured it out in just a couple hours! You can get to Gavin's video from our home page by clicking the Surfers Healing box. You need to see it because it is really beautiful. Sara found the song and gave me all the pictures, I just put it together.
With that first video under my belt, I felt like I could do anything! I came up with this notion of a quick tempo swingy song playing while our kids dance in different Snugfits shirts. That effort proved futile as our kids' dancing skills haven't even risen to the level of "Amateur Bottom Shaker". It wasn't going to be the iPodesque hip commercial I wanted. I still might do a knock-off of the iPod ad which features the Fratelli's Flathead song with my boys just going berserk. That shouldn't be too hard. Anyhow, we just took a bunch of cute shots of Garrett and Ava (Garrett's cousin) and put them together with the music and BAM! The quick tempo swingy part of my original intention is still there, just without the live action. Check it out below. Feel free to comment! Does it leave you spellbound? Or does it leave you dazed and confused? I sent the video out to our friends and family to get feedback before posting it on YouTube, and the response I received was mostly "It's too fast." So this version is actually much slower and easier to follow.
I'm trying to come up with more ideas for future ads. I like the concept of a giant Garrett in a black onesie (with a skull on it ) stomping on Star Wars figures. Set to some heavy rock music, of course. That would be so much fun. Like a little Godzilla! Or maybe something to do with the election. Garrett at the podium in a "Me For President 2056" shirt, laying out his positions. I'm sure his policies would include a new holiday: Mickey Mouse Day, and another amendment to the constitution: The Right to Bear Stinky Diapers.
If anybody has another idea for a video I'd welcome it. As you can see, I'm really reaching here.
